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Joke of the day!!




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#141

JoninOz

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    A Mothers letter from Ireland to her son in America.

    Dear Son,
    Just a few lines to let you know that I am still alive. I am writing this letter slowly because I know that you cannot read very fast.
    You won't recognise the house anymore when you come home; we moved because your Dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home. I won't be able to send you the address as the last family here took the numbers with them for their next house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

    Since you left you father has his way with me at every opportunity so please excuse the wobbly writing.
    There was a new style of washing machine in the house when we moved in, but it wasn't working too good. I put 14 shirts into it last week, pulled the chain and I haven't seen them since!

    About your father - he has a lovely new job. He now has 500 people under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.
    Auntie Maude has sent you a pair of socks she knitted, she put a third one in because she heard you have grown another foot since she last saw you.
    The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

    Your sister, Mary, had a baby this morning. I haven't found out yet whether it was a boy or a girl, so I don't know if you are an Uncle or an Aunt.
    Jimmy locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

    Your Aunt Harriet took a flight from New York to Los Angeles last week, said it was the first time she had ever arrived somewhere before she had left. Last time she thinks that might have happened, the doctors said it was Altzeimer's disease.
    Your Uncle Dick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in Dublin Brewery. Some of his co-workers dived in to save him, but he fought them off bravely. We cremated the body and it took three days to put out the fire.

    Your father didn't have much to drink at Christmas. I put a bottle of castor oil in his pint of beer and it kept him going until New Year's day.
    I went to the doctor on Thursday, and your father came with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to open it for ten minutes - your father offered to buy it from him.

    It only rained twice last week. First time was for three days and the second for four. On Monday the wind blew so hard that one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.
    Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

    We received a letter yesterday from the undertaker. He said that if the last payment on your Grandmother's funeral wasn't made, up she comes.

    Your loving Mother,

    P.S.     I was going to send you ten pounds, but I have already sealed the envelope.

    #142

    Claw

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      Jonno,, I'm pretty sure I know these people, LOL. :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

      #143

      JoninOz

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          Paddy and his  wife are lying in  bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad  in the garden.

        Paddy says "To hell with  this!" and storms off.  

        He comes back  upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks  "What  did you do?"

        Paddy replies "I've put the  dog  in  our garden. Let's see how they  like it!"    


        ....................................//...................................


        Paddy  and Murphy are working on a building site.  
        Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day  off.
        I'm gonna  pretend I'm mad!"
        He  climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down  and  shouts

        "I'M A LIGHT BULB! I'M A LIGHT  BULB!"  

        Murphy watches in amazement!  

        The Foreman shouts "Paddy  you're mad, go  home"

        So he leaves the site.  

        Murphy  starts packing his kit up to  leave as well.

        "Where the hell are  you  going?" asks the Foreman.

        "I can't work  in the flamin'  dark!" says Murphy.
          

        ...............................................//.............................................

        Paddy  calls Easyjet to book a flight.

        The   operator asks "How many people are flying with  you?"
        Paddy  replies "I don't know! It's  your
        ruddy plane!"
          


        #144

        John T

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          A man goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

          She says hello and he's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

          So he says, 'Do you know me?'

          To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

          Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my mates watching while your friend whipped my backside with wet celery?'

          She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'


          #145

          Claw

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            John T you just made my day, buddy. :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

            #146

            Claw

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              Three surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

              The first surgeon says, "Electricians are the best, everything inside is color coded".

              The second surgeon says, "No, librarians do, because everything inside them is in alphabetical order".

              The third surgeon shut them up when he said, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
              There is no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and a**  are interchangeable.

              #147

              jayesstee

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                Great Claw, I'd completely forgotten this one.   It was "mouth" and "a*se" that were interchangeable, but perhaps that only applies to Brit. Politicians!

                #148

                JoninOz

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                  Good one Claw.............. :rofl:

                  Hey JST, it definately applies to Aussie politicians, the only problem is, they can't be operated on because their skin
                  is so thick, nothing will penetrate it !




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