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Joke of the day!!




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#21

James (Jim) Hillier

James (Jim) Hillier

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    An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

    She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude".

    With that, she shed all her clothes, rolled the dice and with a broad Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

    As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES! YES!......I WON, I WON!"

    She hugged each of the dealers, scooped up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

    The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

    The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

    MORAL OF THE STORY -

    Not all Irish are drunks,
    Not all blondes are dumb,
    But all men....are men.
    Jim Hillier - Managing editor Daves Computer Tips.com

    #22

    James (Jim) Hillier

    James (Jim) Hillier

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      My lovely wife rang me the other day and said there was something wrong with the car.

      So naturally I asked her what the problem was.

      She said, "It won't go". So I asked her if the radio or the blinkers were working.

      She said, "No, nothing is working".

      So I said, "Well, in that case, it probably means the battery is flat".

      She said, "What shape should it be?"


      Jim Hillier - Managing editor Daves Computer Tips.com

      #23

      James (Jim) Hillier

      James (Jim) Hillier

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        A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with the old rancher.
        He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

        The rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there...", as he pointed toward the location.

        The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher."See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear... do you understand ?!!"

        The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

        A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by a huge charging bull...

        With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

        The rancher finally put down his tools, strolled to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs...

        "The badge, show him the BADGE... ! !"
        Jim Hillier - Managing editor Daves Computer Tips.com

        #24

        James (Jim) Hillier

        James (Jim) Hillier

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          Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."

          Larry, with a worried look on his little face, looked up at his Dad and said..... "Dad, I think the Foxtel guy might want to buy Mom ....."

          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

          It seems some musical hits from the 60's are being revised to accommodate the aging baby boomers. Some proposed revamped titles include:

          Herman's Hermits - Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely Walker.

          Roberta Flack - The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.

          Paul Simon - Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver.

          The Commodores - Once, Twice, 3 Times To The Bathroom.

          Helen Reddy - I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

          Lesley Gore - It's My Hormones & I'll Cry If I Want To.


          Jim Hillier - Managing editor Daves Computer Tips.com

          #25

          James (Jim) Hillier

          James (Jim) Hillier

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            George is a legend in his local village. It doesn't matter where he goes fishing or who with, he always catches more fish than anyone else.

            One day George and his best mate Bill are sitting in the pub having a quiet ale or two when Bill says to George, "George, how is it you always catch more fish than anyone else, how do you do it?"

            George looks across and his mate and says, "Well Bill, it's quite simple really. When I wake up in the morning I look across at the wife and if she is lying on her left side I always fish out of the left side of the boat, if she is lying on her right side I always fish out of the right side of the boat."

            Bill nods and then after a few moments he says, "So what do you do if she is lying on her back?"

            George winks at his mate and says, "I don't go fishing!!"  :rolleyes:
            Jim Hillier - Managing editor Daves Computer Tips.com

            #26

            James (Jim) Hillier

            James (Jim) Hillier

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              My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that...... 2:30am!!! Luckily for him I was still up practicing with my Bagpipes.

              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

              Two Aussies are out in a boat fishing when one of them hooks a very old lamp. He no sooner detaches the lamp from the fishing line when a genie pops out, "I'll grant you one wish" says the genie.

              "Okay" says the Aussie, "then I wish all the water in this lake was beer".

              Poof!! The lake was beer and the genie was gone.

              The other Aussie turned to his mate and said, "Bruce you bl**dy idiot. Now where are we going to pee!!!"
              Jim Hillier - Managing editor Daves Computer Tips.com

              #27

              James (Jim) Hillier

              James (Jim) Hillier

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                Today is the oldest you've ever been....yet, it is also the youngest you will ever be again!!

                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                Paddy and Mick are out fishing on the lake in a hire boat. They have been all over the lake with no luck, when they drop anchor at yet another spot and immediately start catching heaps of  fish.

                Paddy turns to Mick and says, "I wish we could mark this spot somehow, so we can find it again another day".

                Mick ponders this momentarily and then enthusiastically says, "I know Paddy. Why don't we put a great big X in the bottom of the boat".

                Paddy gives his friend a frustrated look and says, "Mick, you are a freakin' idiot. How do we know we will get the same boat next time!!"  :(  :rolleyes:
                Jim Hillier - Managing editor Daves Computer Tips.com

                #28

                James (Jim) Hillier

                James (Jim) Hillier

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                  ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE : BY JOHN CLEESE

                  The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

                  Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

                  The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

                  The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are"Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory,effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

                  Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

                  The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

                  Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

                  The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

                  Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

                  -- John Cleese (*) - British writer, actor and tall person
                  Jim Hillier - Managing editor Daves Computer Tips.com

                  #29

                  James (Jim) Hillier

                  James (Jim) Hillier

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                    My girlfriend thinks I’m a stalker.......well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.

                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                    Here's one for our absent mate who is currently holidaying in Spain:


                    I was on holiday recently in Spain with a mate of mine when I saw a sign at a taxi rank which read, "English speaking taxi drivers!"

                    I turned to my mate and said, "What a great idea......I wonder why we don't have them in our country!!"
                    Jim Hillier - Managing editor Daves Computer Tips.com

                    #30

                    James (Jim) Hillier

                    James (Jim) Hillier

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                      My wife came to me the other day and asked if she could have $6000.00 for a boob job.

                      I said, "Why don't you just rub toilet paper between them?"

                      She gave me one of those quizzical looks and said, "Why, what's that going to do?"

                      I said, "Well it worked on your backside didn't it??"

                      I get out of hospital next Tuesday!!
                      Jim Hillier - Managing editor Daves Computer Tips.com




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