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Joke of the day!!




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#61

James (Jim) Hillier

James (Jim) Hillier

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    A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

    Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

    'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

    The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you?
    You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

    The husband calmly replied,
    'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
    Jim Hillier - Managing editor Daves Computer Tips.com

    #62

    James (Jim) Hillier

    James (Jim) Hillier

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      I have a mate who is dyslexic. I went round to his place one Sunday morning just after daylight saving had ended and discovered him covering his willy with boot polish.

      I said, "No mate, you're supposed to turn your clock back!!"
      Jim Hillier - Managing editor Daves Computer Tips.com

      #63

      James (Jim) Hillier

      James (Jim) Hillier

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        Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife Mary.

        He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.

        As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

        Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

        In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt...and Mary staring at him from across the room.

        She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

        Flynn said, 'Why would you say such a mean thing?'

        'Well,' said Mary, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes.

        But mostly.........it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror!!
        Jim Hillier - Managing editor Daves Computer Tips.com

        #64

        James (Jim) Hillier

        James (Jim) Hillier

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          A group of men and a group of women were given a piece of paper and a pencil and asked to write down what gender they thought a computer might be, including four arguments to back up their reasoning.

          The men's group decided that computers were female and wrote:

          1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

          2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

          3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

          4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

          The women's group decided that computers must be male and wrote:

          1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.

          2 They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.

          3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

          4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model......

          The women won!!!!
          Jim Hillier - Managing editor Daves Computer Tips.com

          #65

          James (Jim) Hillier

          James (Jim) Hillier

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            The Pope was getting into his limo one night when he turned to the limo driver and said, "You know what, before I die, I would love to drive this beautiful limo just once."

            "Well," the limo driver says, "Come up here and take the wheel, Your Holiness, and I'll get in back!"

            Further down the road, the limo is stopped by a policeman who walks over to the limo, sees who's sitting in the front seat and runs back to his squad car. He calls dispatch and says, "I just pulled over someone really important and I don't know what to do."

            "Well, who is it?" his dispatcher says, "The mayor? The governor? The president?"

            "I don't know exactly who he is," the officer responds, "but he must be really important..... the Pope is his chauffeur!!!!"

            Jim Hillier - Managing editor Daves Computer Tips.com

            #66

            James (Jim) Hillier

            James (Jim) Hillier

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              A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?'

              He answered....''Call for backup.''

              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

              A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why.

              The mother told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber that person is." Satisfied with the answer, the boy left to play in the ocean, but returned to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "pee-pees" than his dad.

              His mother explained, "The bigger they are the dumber that person is." Again, satisfied with the answer, the boy returned to the ocean to play.

              Shortly after, the boy returned again, promptly informing his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks to her, the dumber he gets!"
              Jim Hillier - Managing editor Daves Computer Tips.com

              #67

              James (Jim) Hillier

              James (Jim) Hillier

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                A Wife's Poem:

                He didn't like the casserole
                And he didn't like my cake,
                He said my biscuits were too hard
                Not like his mother used to make.
                I didn't perk the coffee right
                He didn't like the stew,
                I didn't mend his socks
                The way his mother used to do.
                I pondered for an answer
                I was looking for a clue.
                Then I turned around and
                smacked him one ...............

                Just like his mother used to do!!

                Jim Hillier - Managing editor Daves Computer Tips.com

                #68

                James (Jim) Hillier

                James (Jim) Hillier

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                  Answering machine message Parents and Grandparents should use:

                  If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of "arrival" so we know who it is.

                  If you need us to stay with the children, press 2

                  If you want to borrow the car, press 3

                  If you want us to wash your clothes and ironing, press 4

                  If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5

                  If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6

                  If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7

                  If you want to come to eat here, press 8

                  If you need money, dial 9

                  If you are going to invite us to dinner, or make arrangements to take us to the theater,

                  start talking.......we are now listening !!!
                  Jim Hillier - Managing editor Daves Computer Tips.com

                  #69

                  James (Jim) Hillier

                  James (Jim) Hillier

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                    This is true, as sure as I am riding this camel! :bye:

                    The other day I watched as a female office worker was repeatedly putting a credit card into her computer's floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.

                    When I politely inquired as to what the heck she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was trying to use the ATM 'thingy.'

                    They walk among us!!!:good:
                    Jim Hillier - Managing editor Daves Computer Tips.com

                    #70

                    James (Jim) Hillier

                    James (Jim) Hillier

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                      Many years ago, when I was still gainfully employed, we had an junior office worker who was, dare I say, none too swift.

                      One day she was typing away when she turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"

                      "Just use paper from the photocopier", the secretary told her.

                      With that, the junior took her last remaining blank sheet of A4, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies!!!


                      Jim Hillier - Managing editor Daves Computer Tips.com




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