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Joke of the day!!


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#121 jayesstee

jayesstee

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    Posted 14 May 2012 - 07:26 PM

    I was kept busy!  Therefore proving I fit the spec.  :dash2:

    #122 marko

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      Posted 20 May 2012 - 08:06 PM

      These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

      ATTORNEY:  What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
      WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
      ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you?
      WITNESS: My name is Susan!
      ____________________________________________

      ATTORNEY:  What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
      WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
      ____________________________________________

      ATTORNEY:  Are you sexually active?
      WITNESS: No , I just lie there.
      ____________________________________________

      ATTORNEY:  This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all?
      WITNESS: Yes.
      ATTORNEY:  And in what ways does it affect your memory?
      WITNESS: I forget..
      ATTORNEY:  You forget?  Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
      ___________________________________________

      ATTORNEY:  Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
      WITNESS: We both do.
      ATTORNEY:  Voodoo?
      WITNESS: We do..
      ATTORNEY:  You do?
      WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.
      ____________________________________________

      ATTORNEY:  Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
      WITNESS:  Did you actually pass the bar exam?
      ____________________________________

      ATTORNEY:  The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
      WITNESS:   He's 20, much like your IQ.
      ___________________________________________

      ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was taken?
      WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
      _________________________________________

      ATTORNEY:  So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
      WITNESS: Yes.
      ATTORNEY:  And what were you doing at that time?
      WITNESS: Getting laid.
      ____________________________________________

      ATTORNEY:  She had three children , right?
      WITNESS: Yes.
      ATTORNEY:  How many were boys?
      WITNESS: None.
      ATTORNEY:   Were there any girls?
      WITNESS:   Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
      ____________________________________________

      ATTORNEY:  How was your first marriage terminated?
      WITNESS: By death..
      ATTORNEY:  And by whose death was it terminated?
      WITNESS: Take a guess.
      ____________________________________________

      ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?
      WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
      ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female?
      WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
      _____________________________________

      ATTORNEY:  Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
      WITNESS:  No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
      ______________________________________

      ATTORNEY:  Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
      WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
      _________________________________________

      ATTORNEY:  ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
      WITNESS: Oral...
      _________________________________________

      ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
      WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
      ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
      WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
      ____________________________________________

      ATTORNEY:  Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
      WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
      ______________________________________

      And last:

      ATTORNEY:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
      WITNESS: No.
      ATTORNEY:  Did you check for blood pressure?
      WITNESS: No.
      ATTORNEY:  Did you check for breathing?
      WITNESS: No..
      ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
      WITNESS: No.
      ATTORNEY:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?
      WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
      ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
      WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

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      #123 James (Jim) Hillier

      James (Jim) Hillier

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        Posted 20 May 2012 - 08:41 PM

        Hey, I resemble that!!
        Jim Hillier - Managing editor Daves Computer Tips.com

        #124 FutureShock

        FutureShock

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          Posted 22 May 2012 - 07:26 PM

          *****LEAK*****

          A TOP SECRET DOCUMENT HAS BEEN LEAKED FROM THE HIGHEST ECHELONS OF MICROSOFT, DETAILING THE CREATIVE PROCESS FOR WINDOWS 8, INCLUDING THE INTERFACES MICROSOFT CONSIDERED BEFORE SELECTING THE METRO INTERFACE:..

          1.  The Iron Curtain Interface-Weekly Interface tax for regular monitoring of your PCs content
          2.  Judgement Day Interface-Just pay
          3.  Taxi Interface-Pay by the second interface with a colorful black and yellow arrangement...playfully known as "Taxme" with the insiders at Redmond
          4.  The Mirage Interface-Don't change anything and just send the "Bill" :good: ...
          5.  The Tsunami Interface-An interface with the ingenious capability to grow larger and larger but at a slower rate for those who pay on time and/or more
          6.  The Dictator Interface-Regularly ban the use of and/or delete certain programs until they are paid for (again)...
          7.  The Meteor Interface- Interface simulates a surprise catastrophic meteor extinction event with files and programs for those who don't pay correctly
          8.  The Debit Interface-Buying the program is a legal marriage to Microsoft for the purchaser.  MS is given then the authority to use credit cards and accounts funds at will.  In exchange you pay for upkeep and keep things clean and tidy for continued use of your system...

          :rofl:




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