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Joke of the day!!

96 replies to this topic

#11 James (Jim) Hillier

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    Posted 25 March 2011 - 12:05 AM

    Did you know there is a food that is guaranteed to diminish a woman's libido by by up to 90%.................it's called wedding cake!!


    I went to the local clinic the other day. My name was finally called, so I entered the consultation room and was promptly told to drop my trousers and bend over. I reluctantly complied and then braced myself for the inevitable. A few moments later I heard a voice from behind me say. "I think I've found something!"

    I said, "I hope it's the TV remote, I haven't seen that for 3 weeks!!" I'd been wondering why every time I broke wind the channel changed.

    Anyway, it was not a pleasant experience at all, in fact I'd say she was the worst dentist I've ever been to!!

    Jim Hillier - Managing editor Daves Computer Tips.com

    #12 James (Jim) Hillier

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      Posted 26 March 2011 - 02:37 AM

      The early bird may get the worm.... but it's the second mouse that gets the cheese!!


      Rindacella - A Fractured Fairy Tale:

      Once a time upon, there was a gritty pearl named Rindacella who lived with her three sugly blisters and her wicked mepstother.

      One dine fay a pransome hince came calling with a sars glipper in hand. He declared to all and one, "Whomever can wear this sars glipper is the one I shall mappily harry!"

      The three sugly blisters rushed forward egged on by the wicked mepstother. The first sugly blister tried the sars glipper but it fidn't dit. The second sugly blister tried the sars glipper but it still fidn't dit. The third sugly blister tried the sars glipper but it fidn't dit her either....all their feet were boo tig.

      Then the pransome hince noticed Rindacella covering in the horner. Hey says, "Come forth gritty pearl and try on the sars glipper".

      And Rindacella did come forth and lo, the sars glipper fid dit!!

      So the pransome hince and Rindacella were indeed mappily harried and Rindacella was ho sappy.

      The storal of this mory is; noodness goes!!

      The end.
      Jim Hillier - Managing editor Daves Computer Tips.com

      #13 John T

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        Posted 26 March 2011 - 09:29 PM

        Chap next door rang me and said that he thought his wife had died.

        I said how do you think she is dead?

        He said the *** is the same, but the ironing is piling up!

        #14 James (Jim) Hillier

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          Posted 28 March 2011 - 08:04 AM

          A tight dress is like a barbed wire fence.....it protects the premises without restricting the view!


          So, the wife had left the house to go shopping and I was getting ready to leave. I was just about to turn the radio off when I heard a traffic update - "URGENT, Please avoid the main motorway at all costs, somebody is driving down the wrong way and creating havoc."

          Knowing that was roughly where my wife would be, I quickly phoned to warn her.

          Me: "Hey love, get off the motorway, there is some lunatic driving down the wrong way!"

          Wife: "ONE!!........there are hundreds of them!!"

          Jim Hillier - Managing editor Daves Computer Tips.com

          #15 marko

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            Posted 28 March 2011 - 08:52 AM

            Some funny quotes ....

            Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

            I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

            I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

            Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

            Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

            We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

            The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

            Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

            If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

            We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

            War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

            Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

            Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

            Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

            #16 James (Jim) Hillier

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              Posted 29 March 2011 - 12:27 AM

              Hey Mate....that's cheating. There are 14 of 'em!!! :rolleyes: :(

              An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman and two blondes all walked into a bar. The bartender turned around and said......."Is this some kind of a joke?"


              A lovely old couple have been married 50 years, and for their anniversary they go out for a nice dinner. During the dinner the man asks the woman

              ?I couldn?t help but notice our 11th child looks a little different from all the rest. Now we?ve had 50 wonderful years together, and nothing you can say will take that away, nor make me stop loving you, so tell me honestly, did our 11th child have a different father??

              The woman hides her face in shame and says ?Yes?

              The man is slightly shocked, so he asks ?Who was it???

              The woman looks up, tears in her eyes and quietly says ?You?

              Jim Hillier - Managing editor Daves Computer Tips.com

              #17 James (Jim) Hillier

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                Posted 30 March 2011 - 01:52 AM

                Secks is the price women have to pay for marriage.......Marriage is the price men have to pay for secks!!


                A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

                After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

                The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

                So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. Every time he got nervous he took a drink. After about 10 minutes he is talking up a storm.

                Upon returning to his office after mass, there was no sign of the Monsignor but he found the following note on the door:

                Well done, that seemed to cure the nerves BUT I would make the following observations:
                1. Sip the Vodka, do not gulp.
                2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
                3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
                4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
                5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
                6. We do not generally refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
                7. It would be best not to refer to the Holy Trinity as Daddio, Laddio and Spooky
                8. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, you should not say he was stoned off his ass.
                9. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
                10. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!

                Jim Hillier - Managing editor Daves Computer Tips.com

                #18 James (Jim) Hillier

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                  Posted 01 April 2011 - 01:43 AM

                  A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that would move apart and then slide back together again.

                  The boy asked, “What is this Father?” The father (never having seen an elevator before) responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.”

                  While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the old lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up, one after another.

                  They continued to watch until it reached the very last number and then the numbers began to light again, but in the reverse order.
                  Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, never taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son................

                  “Go get your Mother”

                  .........Attached Image: oldlady.gif

                  ............Attached Image: down arrow.gif

                  Attached Image: good sort.gif

                  Attached Image: shock.gif
                  Jim Hillier - Managing editor Daves Computer Tips.com

                  #19 James (Jim) Hillier

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                    Posted 02 April 2011 - 01:45 AM

                    I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 2 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself......they've lost the plot!!


                    My wife came up to me the other day and asked if she could have a new dress.

                    I asked her, "What's wrong with the last one I bought you?"

                    She said, "Well nothing, it's just that every time I go out to do some shopping.....people keep throwing confetti at me!!"

                    Boom Boom !!
                    Jim Hillier - Managing editor Daves Computer Tips.com

                    #20 James (Jim) Hillier

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                      Posted 03 April 2011 - 08:48 PM

                      WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

                      HUSBAND: Definitely not!

                      WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?

                      HUSBAND: Of course I do.

                      WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

                      HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.

                      WIFE: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).

                      HUSBAND: (Makes audible groan).

                      WIFE: Would you live in our house?

                      HUSBAND: Sure, it's a great house.

                      WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

                      HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?

                      WIFE: Would you let her drive my car?

                      HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new.

                      WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?

                      HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

                      WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?

                      HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.

                      WIFE: - silence - -

                      HUSBAND: (under his breath) Oops!!

                      Jim Hillier - Managing editor Daves Computer Tips.com

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