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Joke of the day!!




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#121

jayesstee

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    I was kept busy!  Therefore proving I fit the spec.  :dash2:

    #122

    marko

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      These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

      ATTORNEY:  What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
      WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
      ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you?
      WITNESS: My name is Susan!
      ____________________________________________

      ATTORNEY:  What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
      WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
      ____________________________________________

      ATTORNEY:  Are you sexually active?
      WITNESS: No , I just lie there.
      ____________________________________________

      ATTORNEY:  This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all?
      WITNESS: Yes.
      ATTORNEY:  And in what ways does it affect your memory?
      WITNESS: I forget..
      ATTORNEY:  You forget?  Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
      ___________________________________________

      ATTORNEY:  Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
      WITNESS: We both do.
      ATTORNEY:  Voodoo?
      WITNESS: We do..
      ATTORNEY:  You do?
      WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.
      ____________________________________________

      ATTORNEY:  Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
      WITNESS:  Did you actually pass the bar exam?
      ____________________________________

      ATTORNEY:  The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
      WITNESS:   He's 20, much like your IQ.
      ___________________________________________

      ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was taken?
      WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
      _________________________________________

      ATTORNEY:  So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
      WITNESS: Yes.
      ATTORNEY:  And what were you doing at that time?
      WITNESS: Getting laid.
      ____________________________________________

      ATTORNEY:  She had three children , right?
      WITNESS: Yes.
      ATTORNEY:  How many were boys?
      WITNESS: None.
      ATTORNEY:   Were there any girls?
      WITNESS:   Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
      ____________________________________________

      ATTORNEY:  How was your first marriage terminated?
      WITNESS: By death..
      ATTORNEY:  And by whose death was it terminated?
      WITNESS: Take a guess.
      ____________________________________________

      ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?
      WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
      ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female?
      WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
      _____________________________________

      ATTORNEY:  Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
      WITNESS:  No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
      ______________________________________

      ATTORNEY:  Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
      WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
      _________________________________________

      ATTORNEY:  ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
      WITNESS: Oral...
      _________________________________________

      ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
      WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
      ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
      WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
      ____________________________________________

      ATTORNEY:  Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
      WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
      ______________________________________

      And last:

      ATTORNEY:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
      WITNESS: No.
      ATTORNEY:  Did you check for blood pressure?
      WITNESS: No.
      ATTORNEY:  Did you check for breathing?
      WITNESS: No..
      ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
      WITNESS: No.
      ATTORNEY:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?
      WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
      ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
      WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
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      #123

      James (Jim) Hillier

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        Hey, I resemble that!!
        Jim Hillier - Managing editor Daves Computer Tips.com

        #124

        FutureShock

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          *****LEAK*****

          A TOP SECRET DOCUMENT HAS BEEN LEAKED FROM THE HIGHEST ECHELONS OF MICROSOFT, DETAILING THE CREATIVE PROCESS FOR WINDOWS 8, INCLUDING THE INTERFACES MICROSOFT CONSIDERED BEFORE SELECTING THE METRO INTERFACE:..

          1.  The Iron Curtain Interface-Weekly Interface tax for regular monitoring of your PCs content
          2.  Judgement Day Interface-Just pay
          3.  Taxi Interface-Pay by the second interface with a colorful black and yellow arrangement...playfully known as "Taxme" with the insiders at Redmond
          4.  The Mirage Interface-Don't change anything and just send the "Bill" :good: ...
          5.  The Tsunami Interface-An interface with the ingenious capability to grow larger and larger but at a slower rate for those who pay on time and/or more
          6.  The Dictator Interface-Regularly ban the use of and/or delete certain programs until they are paid for (again)...
          7.  The Meteor Interface- Interface simulates a surprise catastrophic meteor extinction event with files and programs for those who don't pay correctly
          8.  The Debit Interface-Buying the program is a legal marriage to Microsoft for the purchaser.  MS is given then the authority to use credit cards and accounts funds at will.  In exchange you pay for upkeep and keep things clean and tidy for continued use of your system...

          :rofl:

          #125

          Claw

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            For his birthday, Joe's wife took him to a strip club.
            When getting to the door, the doorman says, " Nice to see you Joe"
            Joe's wife ask, "How he knows you ?" "I play ball with him", Joe answers.
            Walking up to the bar, the bartender ask, "The usual, Joe ?"
            Before his wife could ask, Joe says, "We're on the same dart team."
            While dancing a stripper dances up to Joe and ask, "The usual lap dance, Joe ?"
            Joe's wife grabs him by the arm and drags him out and throws him into a taxi cab.
            When in the cab, the driver says, "Picked up an ugly one this time, hey Joe ?"

            Joe's funeral is on Sunday.

            #126

            Claw

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              2 elderly ladies are sitting in church, one says to the other, "My butt fell asleep" !!
              The other lady turns and says, Yea, I heard it "snore" a couple of times".

              #127

              JoninOz

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                Paddy and Mick discuss which movie to see, and Paddy suggests Moby D*ick. "No way", says Mick, "I am not into porn movies." "You fool", says Paddy, "It's a movie about whales"

                Mick replied, "NO!,  I want nothing to do with those Welsh ba***ards either!"

                                                  ................................... //...................................

                Paddy, Mick & Casey meet to discuss where to go for their daily Guiness fix and Paddy said, "Let's go to Hoolihan's for a change, you buy one drink, he gives you another drink".

                "No, no no," said Mick, "We go to Murphy's, you buy one drink, he gives you two drinks."

                Then Casey piped up, "No, neither of those, we go to the Flaherty's, there's a new owner. You buy one drink, he gives you another, when that's finished he gives you another, then another, and another, then he takes you in the back room and you get 'laid."

                The others replied, " That's interesting, when did you go there?"

                Casey replied, "Oh, I didn't go there yet, was my sister told me."

                                                            ...................................//.....................................

                ....and the greatest joke of the day in Australia, in the midst of a new Carbon Tax, businesses closing, un-employment increasing, poverty increasing, homeless people increasing in numbers, illegal immigrants arriving to receive large hand-outs......Our Painful Politicians award themselves a 15% salary increase.
                Very interesting, but not funny..... :mad: :dash2:

                                                              ...................................//......................................

                #128

                marko

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                  An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman attended The Olympic Games as spectators, but failed to get tickets for the main stadium.

                  The Englishman took a cannonball, approached the entrance where an officialasked his business, 'I'm representing England in The shot.' - the official stood aside and waved the Englishman through ....

                  The Scotsman took a long pole, approached the entrance where an official also asked his business, 'I'm representing Scotland in The pole vault.'  - the official stood aside and also waved the Scotsman through ....

                  The Irishman took half a dozen stakes and three rolls of barbed wire, approached the entrance much to the surprise of the official who could see the discomfort of the Irishman as he struggled with the barbed wire in his bare hands ... the official asked his business and the Irishman replied, 'I'm representing Ireland in fencing.'
                  Please post your queries, requests and enquiries in the forums - do not PM me directly as I cannot answer everyone individually - your post stands a much better chance of receiving multiple replies from other members too on the forums.

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                  #129

                  Claw

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                    An elderly Asian woman walks into a bank to check on her savings account, when the teller shows her the written information she notices that the amount of her savings has changed 4 times.
                    "Why I have different money", she asked the teller.
                    "Fluctuations", he answers. "What you mean" ??, she asks.
                    "Sometimes 8%, sometimes 10%", the teller says. "No",she says, Why you change money" ??, she asks.
                    "Fluctuations", says the teller.
                    "Well give me back all my money", she says, "And Fluctu Americans too". :o

                    #130

                    JoninOz

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                      Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.


                      A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.


                      Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.'


                      The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.
                      She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.
                      Then, she walked off.


                      Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde!


                      We need the height, and she gives us the bloody length.




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