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Joke of the day!!




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#131

Claw

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    I was visiting my son and his wife this weekend, when
    I asked him if I could borrow his newspaper.

    "This is the 21st century, old man," he said.
    "We don't waste our money on newspapers.
    Here,, use my iPad".

    I can tell you, that frigging fly never knew what hit it....

    #132

    James (Jim) Hillier

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      Got home from work today and there's a note on the fridge from the wife.

      "It's just not working, gone home to mothers".

      I opened the fridge... the light came on and the beer was cold.

      Goodness knows what she's on about!!!
      Jim Hillier - Managing editor Daves Computer Tips.com

      #133

      JoninOz

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        Blokes on a Fishing Trip

        At some point in a guy's life.... it comes down to this.

        Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.

        Two days before the group is to leave, Nick's wife puts her foot down and
        tells him he isn't going. Nick's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?

        Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Nick sitting
        there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

        "Sheeze Nick, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into
        letting you go?"

        "Well, I've been here since yesterday evening.  I was sitting in my chair
        and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said,
          ........................................... "Guess who?'"

        I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie. She took my
        hand and pulled me to our bedroom..

        The room had candles and rose petals all
        over.

        On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!

        She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said....................

        "Now do whatever your body and soul desires."



        SO HERE I AM !!!!!   :good:

        ..........................................................................//........................................................................




        DO YOU EVER WONDER.......WHY ?


                      

        Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?


                        

        Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.


                        

        Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.


                        

        Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage.


                        

        DID YOU EVER WONDER........Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?


                        

        Why can't women put on lipstick with their mouth closed?


                        

        Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?


                        

        Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?


                        

        Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?


                        

        Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?


                        

        Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?


                        

        Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?


                        

        Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?


                        

        Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?


                        

        Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?


                        

        You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!


                        

        Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?


                        

        Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?


                        

        If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the ?terminal??





        #134

        James (Jim) Hillier

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          Hey Johnno - Appreciate your jokes mate... very good. BUT, there is already a dedicated thread specifically set aside for jokes: https://freewarebb.com/topic/60314-joke-of-the-day/page__st__130

          Would appreciate it if all jokes were posted in that thread. That way, they will all be kept together under the one banner.

          Thanks... Jim
          Jim Hillier - Managing editor Daves Computer Tips.com

          #135

          marko

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            Merged :)
            Please post your queries, requests and enquiries in the forums - do not PM me directly as I cannot answer everyone individually - your post stands a much better chance of receiving multiple replies from other members too on the forums.

            Please remember that we have people from many different timezones on the site and if your post requires a reply it could take longer at some at some points because of this.

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            #136

            JoninOz

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              Paddy and Mick decide to rent a boat to go fishing, which they had never done in their lives.

              They rented the boat and the rods and went around the lake and found a quiet spot.

              In a short time they had caught many fish, decided to go home and Paddy said, "This is perfect, we should come back next week and catch some more fish right here."

              Mick retorted, "But how will we know how to find this spot again", to which Paddy replied, "That's easy, we'll put a little cross on the side of the boat!"

              "Don't be foolish Paddy", said Mick, "We may not get this boat next time!"

                                   ................................................ //............................................

              A young man was telling his mate that he was 'getting it off' with Sally and her twin.

              The mate asked how he could tell them apart, so the young man said, "Its easy, her twin brother has a beard!"

                                      ..............................................//...............................................


              I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
              reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.


              She said she would like to come back as a cow, so I said,


                                                              "You're obviously not listening".

                                       ............................................//...................................................

              A guy had a nasty nagging, drunken wife who wanted everything her own way, so he told her he wouldn't tolerate her any longer.

              She yelled and screamed, "GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE AND DON'T EVER COME BACK!"

              As he went to his car she yelled some more, "I HOPE YOU DIE A LONG, SLOW LINGERING DEATH"

              To which he shouted in reply, "OH !!, SO NOW YOU WANT ME TO STAY!"

              #137

              John T

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                An old, blind Marine Gunnery Sergeant wanders into an All-Girl Biker Bar
                He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
                After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

                The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

                In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Marine, I think it is only fair, Given that you areblind, that you should know five things:

                1. The bartender is blonde with a baseball bat.
                2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
                3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
                4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and she is a professional
                weight lifter.
                5. The lady to your right is blonde and is a professional wrestler.

                'Now, think about it seriously, Marine.... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

                The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.


                #138

                JoninOz

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                  Two Aussies were on a reservation in the USA and saw an Indian carving totem poles.

                  One was carved to look like a cricket player with Luton, England carved in the baseboard, one looked like a football (soccer) player with Glasgow
                  on the baseboard, and another was a boxer with Derry on the baseboard, so they asked what the relevance was with the carvings,so the Indian replied, "My favourite cricket player was born in the place with the carved name, I also like football, where my favourite player was born, and the same with boxing."

                  An Aussie then asked why there wasn't a carving of a rugby player from Wales, so the Indian replied, "I like rugby also, and wanted to carve one, but I'm damned if I'm going to waste my time carving the name of the place where he was born." "Oh", said the Aussie, "What's the name of it."

                  He turned with a scowl and said, "It's the place with a long sign on the railway station, go and Google it.", so they did, and found.........

                  Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.

                  #139

                  JoninOz

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                    I hate crushing pills up and putting them in my Gran's dinner. I feel sneaky, but if I ever got her pregnant I wouldn't be able to forgive myself.

                                                                            ................................................//................................................

                    Matt Lucas's partner left the village and him for another this week. Matt is said to be distraught, but on a lighter note, is now the only gay in the village.

                                                                            ..............................................//.........................................

                    A little girl walks into her parents' bedroom. "Holy Shoight"  she screams. "And YOU want ME to see a doctor about sucking my THUMB...!                                             ...........................................//.........................................                                                                

                    A wee Irish boy is crying by the side of the road. A man asks "What's wrong?" Boy says "Me Grandma is dead." "Oh bejaysus" the man says. "Do you want me to get Father O'Riley?"

                    Wee boy replies "No thanks Mister, *** is the last ting on me moind roight now."

                                                                    .............................................//.........................................

                    Once upon a time a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said "No" and she lived happily ever after. She went shopping, drank vodka with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a wardrobe full of shoes and bags, stayed skinny and was never farted upon. The end.

                                                            .......................................//..........................................

                    Just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people of the world. I told them to "Sod orf - anyone who fits into my clothes isn't starving!

                                                               ......................................//.........................................

                    Japanese scientists have now created a digital camera with such a fast speed that it's now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

                                                              ........................................//................................................

                    Turned on my SatNav and it said 'Bear Left' and there was the zoo. How good is that?

                                                            ...........................................//............................................

                    I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think to yourself: "I'm friggin' having that!"

                                                           ............................................//......................................

                    Man lost in a hot air balloon over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer and shouts to him, "Where am I?" The Irish farmer looks up and shouts back "You can't kid me, ya b*stard, you're in that feggin' basket!"

                                                           ................................................//.............................................

                    There was a tragedy in Ireland yesterday when a small Cessna with two passengers crashed into a village cemetery.

                    It is reported that rescue work by the locals continued into the night with six hundred and forty bodies being found up to now.

                                                           ...............................................//......................................................

                    John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

                    "You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"

                    Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.

                    "How do you know this, Sister?"

                    "My Mother Superior told me so."

                    "But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"

                    "Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself"

                    "Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"

                    "How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"

                    "I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."

                    The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.

                    "Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"

                    "Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"

                                                                             ............................................................





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