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Joke of the day!!


96 replies to this topic

#31 James (Jim) Hillier

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    Posted 21 April 2011 - 12:35 AM

    We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are pretty, some are dull and some are sharp. There are many different shapes and colours. Yet they all live together, side by side, in the same box.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    I was in London last year with my wife and we decided to visit Madam Tussaud's wax museum.

    We were looking through the horror section when an official looking gentleman approached me and said, "Excuse me Sir, do you think you could ask your wife to keep moving around?"

    I said, "Why, how will that help?"

    He said, "We're stocktaking!"

    Boom Boom!!

    Jim Hillier - Managing editor Daves Computer Tips.com

    #32 James (Jim) Hillier

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      Posted 22 April 2011 - 02:31 AM

      We were so poor....we used to go to KFC and lick other people's fingers!!

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Do you remember these? They are pretty old and, man I'm definitely showing my age. They are not that funny but they are cute and a bit of fun for the kids:

      1 1 was a race horse. 2 2 was 1 2. 1 1 1 1 race. 2 2 1 1 2. [One One was a race horse. Two two was one too. One one won one race. Two Two won one too.]

      2 Y's U R. 2 Y's U B. I C U R 2 Y's 4 me. [Too wise you are. Too wise you be. I see you are too wise for me.]

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Finally, a few famous quotes for all those who play and enjoy golf....a sport I never mastered!!

      Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that. ~ Jim Murray

      Always swing hard.....just in case you hit it. ~ Dan Marino

      Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best. ~ Jack Nicklaus [so true!!]

      Have a great Easter everyone!!
      Jim Hillier - Managing editor Daves Computer Tips.com

      #33 James (Jim) Hillier

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        Posted 03 May 2011 - 12:52 AM

        George, an elderly man, was going to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but immediately saw that there were actually thieves ransacking his shed.

        He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

        George replied "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

        Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

        George said, "Okay."

        He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

        "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

        Within five minutes, Six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at Goerge's residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

        One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

        George responded, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
        Jim Hillier - Managing editor Daves Computer Tips.com

        #34 James (Jim) Hillier

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          Posted 04 May 2011 - 12:22 AM

          THE MUM TEST

          A mother was out walking with her 4-year-old daughter. The toddler picked up something off of the ground and started to put it in her mouth.

          Mum took the item away from her and told her she should not do that.

          "Why?" asked the little girl.

          "Because it's been on the ground; you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs,' replied the Mum.

          At this point, the daughter looked at her Mum with total admiration and asked, "Mum, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart."

          After a few moments and some quick thinking Mum replied, "All mums know this stuff. It's in the Mum Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mum."

          They walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but the toddler was obviously pondering this new information.

          "Oh....I get it!" she finally beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the Dad."

          "Exactly!!", replied Mum with a big smile on her face.

          Attached Image: mother & daughter.gif
          Jim Hillier - Managing editor Daves Computer Tips.com

          #35 James (Jim) Hillier

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            Posted 08 May 2011 - 08:35 AM

            A pastor and two of his deacons are out on the river fishing in their rowboat. Round about noon one of the deacons notices a nice spot on the bank to have lunch. He turns to the others and says "That looks like a nice spot for lunch. What do you say we have lunch over there?"

            The other deacon agrees and so does the pastor. The deacon stands up in the boat, steps out onto the river and walks over to the bank. The pastor looks on with amazement, and thinks to himself, if his deacon is holy enough to walk on water, surely I can.

            The other deacon stands up, picks up the picnic basket, steps out of the boat, and walks over to the bank and sits with the first deacon. Again, to his amazement, the pastor thinks again, if his second deacon is holy enough to walk on water, surely he can.

            The pastor stands up, steps out of the boat, and sinks into the water. The first deacon turns to the second and says, "Do you think we should have told him where the rocks are?"

            Jim Hillier - Managing editor Daves Computer Tips.com

            #36 James (Jim) Hillier

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              Posted 10 May 2011 - 12:34 AM

              What is the speed of dark?

              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

              A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.

              The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring. 'Yeah right!' she says.

              That night, the wife tosses and turns in bed, unable to sleep.

              Muttering to herself, she finally goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles.

              Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed.

              Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from a night out with his buddies.

              He climbs into bed, falls asleep and immediately begins snoring loudly.

              The woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him too.

              So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles.

              Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

              The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom.

              As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates....he is very confused.

              Then, as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

              He shakes his head, then looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were or what we did, but whatever is was.... we took out FIRST and SECOND place!!
              Jim Hillier - Managing editor Daves Computer Tips.com

              #37 James (Jim) Hillier

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                Posted 15 May 2011 - 01:47 AM

                Hey Everybody, ANYONE can post here you know? Anyone who has a joke to tell, just as long as it is clean and non-racist!!

                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                Once upon a time there was an inflatable school; with inflatable staff, inflatable pupils, inflatable rooms, everything was inflatable.

                One day, a student named Tom was caught red-handed bringing a pin to school.

                Tom was promptly marched to the headmaster's office.

                The headmaster looked gravely at Tom and with a wag of his finger said, "Tom, you have let your teacher down, you have let the other students down, you have let the whole school down!!"

                (that joke is compliments of my youngest daughter ~ she thinks it's hilarious....LOL)
                Jim Hillier - Managing editor Daves Computer Tips.com

                #38 James (Jim) Hillier

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                  Posted 16 May 2011 - 01:32 AM

                  A young engineer was leaving the office at 5:45 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder, looking somewhat bemused, with a piece of paper in his hand

                  "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"

                  "Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned on the machine, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

                  "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine.

                  "I just need one copy."


                  Lesson: Never, Never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing.
                  Jim Hillier - Managing editor Daves Computer Tips.com

                  #39 James (Jim) Hillier

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                    Posted 17 May 2011 - 11:08 AM

                    A magician worked on a cruise ship.

                    The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

                    There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.

                    Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, Its not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

                    The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot.

                    Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.
                    The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot.

                    They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

                    This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said........

                    "OK, I give up. Where's the goddam ship?"

                    Attached Image: parrot.jpg
                    Jim Hillier - Managing editor Daves Computer Tips.com

                    #40 James (Jim) Hillier

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                      Posted 18 May 2011 - 07:27 PM

                      "SUPERSEX"

                      A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.

                      As she passed other residents, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."

                      She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

                      He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
                      Jim Hillier - Managing editor Daves Computer Tips.com





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