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Joke of the day!!


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#41 James (Jim) Hillier

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    Posted 19 May 2011 - 10:36 PM

    THE FROG

    A really old man was fishing on a pond one day when he found a frog sitting on a lily pad.

    The frog said, "Hey old man, if you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful young woman who will do anything you want....Anything!"

    So the old man picked up the frog, looked at it, and then put it in his pocket.

    From inside the pocket, the frog said, "Hey old man, didn't you understand me? If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful, hot, sexy young woman who will do anything you want. And I mean 'anything'!!"

    The old man opened up his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Are you kidding? At my age I'd rather have a talking frog!"

    Attached Image: monthly_05_2011/post-1067-0-55018200-1305844554.gif
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    #42 James (Jim) Hillier

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      Posted 23 May 2011 - 12:04 AM

      A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

      "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

      "Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?" "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.

      He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

      "But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

      "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yesh, please."

      So, still unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the stranger shouts back, "I'm over here, on your swing!"
      Jim Hillier - Freeware editor Daves Computer Tips News Letter.

      #43 James (Jim) Hillier

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        Posted 27 May 2011 - 12:39 AM

        God visited a man and told him he must give up smoking, drinking and s*x if he wants to get into heaven.....

        The man said he would try his best.

        God visited the man a week later to see how he was getting on.

        "Not bad" said the man, "I've given up smoking and drinking but when the wife bent over the lounge suite and I caught sight of her long slender legs, I couldn't help myself and had to have s*x with her right there and then".

        "They don't like that in heaven", said God...

        The man replied "They're not too thrilled about it in Harrods either!!"
        Jim Hillier - Freeware editor Daves Computer Tips News Letter.

        #44 James (Jim) Hillier

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          Posted 27 May 2011 - 11:24 PM

          Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.

          The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

          After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

          At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

          Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"
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          #45 James (Jim) Hillier

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            Posted 01 June 2011 - 09:15 PM

            A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a Minister, if they could discuss his use of the family car.

            His father took him into his study and said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study the Bible a little, get your hair cut and then we'll talk about it."

            After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the father's study where the father said, "Son, I've been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied the Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut."

            The young man waited a moment and then replied, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

            The Minister said, "Yes, and everywhere they went....they walked!!!"
            Jim Hillier - Freeware editor Daves Computer Tips News Letter.

            #46 marko

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              Posted 01 June 2011 - 09:24 PM

              :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: Don't know where you get em Jim, but they is good mate :drinks:
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              #47 James (Jim) Hillier

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                Posted 03 June 2011 - 10:17 PM

                Two guys have been sitting in a bar sharing a few drinks together when a slanging match breaks out between them, insults are flying thick and fast. Finally one of them screams, “I slept with your mother!!

                The bar goes very quiet as everyone stops what they are doing and waits to see what the other man's response is going to be.

                After a few moments he glances skywards and says, “For goodness sake, will you go home Dad...you’re drunk!”
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                #48 James (Jim) Hillier

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                  Posted 06 June 2011 - 08:58 PM

                  An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

                  Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

                  Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

                  "How do you feel about s*x?" he asked, rather tentatively.

                  "I would like it infrequently." she replied.

                  The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered,

                  "Is that one word or two?"
                  Jim Hillier - Freeware editor Daves Computer Tips News Letter.

                  #49 James (Jim) Hillier

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                    Posted 08 June 2011 - 10:11 PM

                    My mate's missus left him last Thursday, she said she was going out for a pint of milk & never came back!

                    I asked him how he was coping and he said,"Not bad, I've been using that powdered stuff."


                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                    Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in his cell and see's him hanging by his feet.

                    "What are you doing?" he asks.

                    "Hanging myself," Paddy replies.

                    "It should be round your neck," says the guard.

                    "I tried that," says Paddy, "but I couldn't breathe."
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                    #50 James (Jim) Hillier

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                      Posted 15 June 2011 - 09:59 PM

                      An old guy, who is not in the best of shape, is working out at the gym when he spies a sweet young thing.

                      He asks the Trainer..."Which machine do you think I should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"

                      The Trainer looks him up and down and finally says..."I would try the ATM machine in the lobby."
                      Jim Hillier - Freeware editor Daves Computer Tips News Letter.

                      #51 James (Jim) Hillier

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                        Posted 21 June 2011 - 10:54 AM

                        Dear Tech Support,

                        Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the Flower and Jewelery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.

                        In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs such as Rugby, Football, Pub and Continuous TV. Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail.

                        What can I do?

                        Signed, Desperate
                        .......................................................................................................

                        Dear Desperate,

                        First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband is an Operating System. Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears. Don't forget to install the Guilt update. If that application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewelery and Flowers, but remember - overuse of the above application can cause Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer. Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

                        Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-In-Law (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband.

                        In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. It also tends to work better running one task at a time. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie.

                        Good Luck,
                        Tech Support
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                        #52 James (Jim) Hillier

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                          Posted 21 June 2011 - 09:41 PM

                          Continuing on with the Men vs Women theme:

                          If three men all go out to lunch together and the bill arrives, they will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
                          When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

                          A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
                          A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, because it's on sale.

                          A man has a maximum six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
                          The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

                          A woman has the last word in any argument.
                          Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

                          A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
                          A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

                          A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
                          A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

                          A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
                          A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

                          A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
                          A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

                          Children: A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
                          A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
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                          #53 James (Jim) Hillier

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                            Posted 22 June 2011 - 09:37 PM

                            So I rang up Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again!"

                            I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (the world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
                            He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".

                            I said to the train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I was on telly once but I'm no Dean Martin".

                            I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it". He said "Those are pickled onions".

                            Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example...remember Goran, even he's a witch.

                            So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your cleaning your carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

                            Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

                            A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Beer please, and one for the road."

                            There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
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                            #54 James (Jim) Hillier

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                              Posted 23 June 2011 - 10:07 PM

                              A man trying to understand the nature of God asked him: “God, how long is a million years to you?”

                              God answered: “A million years is like a minute.” Then the man asked: “God, how much is a million dollars to you?”

                              And God replied: “A million dollars is like a penny.” Finally, the man asked: “God, could you give me a penny?”

                              And God said, "In a minute.”

                              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                              A young blonde woman is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."

                              The blonde starts sobbing "That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!"

                              Confused, the husband says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved."

                              After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazillion?"
                              Jim Hillier - Freeware editor Daves Computer Tips News Letter.

                              #55 marko

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                                Posted 23 June 2011 - 10:11 PM

                                UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
                                I know I'm not going to understand women.
                                I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
                                pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
                                and still be afraid of a spider.
                                Please support the men, women and children caught up in the UK riots by signing this petition: http://epetitions.di.../petitions/7337

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                                #56 James (Jim) Hillier

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                                  Posted 28 June 2011 - 01:44 PM

                                  As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

                                  They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering admirers; all is going well.

                                  Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in London. The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs to cover their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.

                                  The Queen finally turns to President Obama, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

                                  Obama, always trying to be 'Presidential' replies: "Your Majesty, please do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."
                                  Jim Hillier - Freeware editor Daves Computer Tips News Letter.

                                  #57 James (Jim) Hillier

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                                    Posted 02 July 2011 - 12:50 AM

                                    A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

                                    One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.

                                    "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.

                                    The shop assistant nods and duly climbs up the ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.

                                    The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.

                                    When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves, as he is "having company for dinner."

                                    As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.

                                    After many trips she is tired and irritated, and begins to wonder, "why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"

                                    Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below all looking up at her.

                                    Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that she can save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"

                                    "N,n,n,no," stammers the old man, "but it is certainly quivering a little."
                                    Jim Hillier - Freeware editor Daves Computer Tips News Letter.

                                    #58 James (Jim) Hillier

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                                      Posted 05 July 2011 - 12:44 PM

                                      Did you hear about the bloke who thought Sugar Diabetes was a Welsh welterweight?

                                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                      A married couple have been trying to have a baby but have not managed to conceive. The wife has been checked out and given the all clear, now it is the man's turn.

                                      He goes to the doctor and explains the situation. The doctor gives him a small specimen jar and tells him to bring back a sperm sample within the next couple of days.

                                      Two days later the man visits the doctor again and returns the jar, still empty. The doctor looks at the jar and asks, "What happened?"

                                      "Well", the man says, "I tried it with my left hand, I tried it with my right hand. The wife tried it with her left hand and her right hand, she even tried it with both hands. The mother-in-law, she tried it with her teeth in and then tried it with her teeth out..................None of us could get the lid off that bl**dy jar!!"



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                                      #59 James (Jim) Hillier

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                                        Posted 06 July 2011 - 11:03 PM

                                        An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy , went to the local church for confession.

                                        When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

                                        The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

                                        "There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

                                        The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

                                        "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

                                        "And what is that?" asked the priest.

                                        "Should I tell her the war is over?"
                                        Jim Hillier - Freeware editor Daves Computer Tips News Letter.

                                        #60 James (Jim) Hillier

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                                          Posted 08 July 2011 - 02:13 AM

                                          You will undoubtedly be familiar with the adage...'An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth'.

                                          My mate reckons that if you follow that creed, all you will end up with is a heap of blind, toothless people!

                                          He's pretty smart, my mate. :)
                                          Jim Hillier - Freeware editor Daves Computer Tips News Letter.




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