[James (Jim) Hillier]

THE FROG

A really old man was fishing on a pond one day when he found a frog sitting on a lily pad.

The frog said, "Hey old man, if you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful young woman who will do anything you want....Anything!"

So the old man picked up the frog, looked at it, and then put it in his pocket.

From inside the pocket, the frog said, "Hey old man, didn't you understand me? If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful, hot, sexy young woman who will do anything you want. And I mean 'anything'!!"

The old man opened up his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Are you kidding? At my age I'd rather have a talking frog!"

[James (Jim) Hillier]

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?" "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yesh, please."

So, still unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the stranger shouts back, "I'm over here, on your swing!"

[James (Jim) Hillier]

God visited a man and told him he must give up smoking, drinking and s*x if he wants to get into heaven.....

The man said he would try his best.

God visited the man a week later to see how he was getting on.

"Not bad" said the man, "I've given up smoking and drinking but when the wife bent over the lounge suite and I caught sight of her long slender legs, I couldn't help myself and had to have s*x with her right there and then".

"They don't like that in heaven", said God...

The man replied "They're not too thrilled about it in Harrods either!!"

[James (Jim) Hillier]

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"