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Joke of the day!!


96 replies to this topic

#71 James (Jim) Hillier

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    Posted 09 August 2011 - 03:00 AM

    These are absolutely true, I witnessed both firsthand:

    I spent many years as CEO of a large group of motor dealerships:

    We had a young apprentice motor mechanic who had a reputation for being a bit of a smartie. One day he announced loudly that he could do anything, nothing was beyond his abilities.

    The service manager, overhearing this comment, marched boldly up to him and with a smirk on his face asked "Can you saw smoke in half?"

    The kid replied as quick as a flash, "Yes, if you can put it in the vice for me first!"

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    The second one involves an apprentice panel beater who was a little on the 'slow' side. He and the tradesman in charge had spent a couple of hours fitting a new tail light assembly to the rear of a damaged vehicle. Largely with the tradesman performing the work and the apprentice observing.

    The tradesman completed the fitting and asked the apprentice to now go and turn on the lights. To everyone's absolute amazement, the apprentice strolled away from the car, over to the wall and switched on the lights in the workshop!!!

    Jim Hillier - Managing editor Daves Computer Tips.com

    #72 James (Jim) Hillier

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      Posted 12 August 2011 - 02:49 AM

      My young grandson was visiting the other day and, out of the blue, he asked me how old I was. I told him 65.

      He was very quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at one?"

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      I went to my computer this day only to find my little granddaughter pounding away on the keyboard.

      "Now, what are you doing?", I asked her.

      "I'm writing a story". she replied.

      So I asked, "And what is this story about?"

      She gave me one of those 'sheesh' looks and said, "I don't know Grandpa, I can't read!!"

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure."

      His eyes lit up and he said, "Look in your underwear, Grandpa.......mine says I'm 4 to 6."
      Jim Hillier - Managing editor Daves Computer Tips.com

      #73 James (Jim) Hillier

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        Posted 22 August 2011 - 01:01 AM

        A stark naked, drunken Australian woman, jumped into a vacant taxi in down town New Delhi .

        The Indian driver was immediately beside himself and just kept on staring at the woman.

        He made no attempt to start the cab.

        "What's wrong with you mate, haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

        "I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you that would not be proper where I am coming from".

        "Well if you're not bloody staring at me mate, what are you doing then?"

        "Well, I am telling you, I am thinking to myself .....where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with!"
        Jim Hillier - Managing editor Daves Computer Tips.com

        #74 James (Jim) Hillier

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          Posted 25 August 2011 - 06:15 AM

          My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she was seeing and turned to me and said, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

          So I said, ?Well, your eyesight?s damn near perfect!"
          Jim Hillier - Managing editor Daves Computer Tips.com

          #75 James (Jim) Hillier

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            Posted 27 August 2011 - 12:53 AM

            Towards the end of a round of golf, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups.

            Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

            All of a sudden? POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

            She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?
            Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life, better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life....
            As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!"

            Then POOF!... she was gone!

            After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Fred, where are you?"

            Fred yells back "I'm over here in among the pussy willows."

            Dave shouts back, "DON'T SWING, Fred!' FOR THE LOVE OF GOD......DON'T SWING!!!"

            Jim Hillier - Managing editor Daves Computer Tips.com

            #76 James (Jim) Hillier

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              Posted 06 September 2011 - 12:59 AM

              What do you call a man with no arms or legs who is lying in a ditch -------> Phil

              What do you call a deer with no eyes -------> No idea

              What do you call a deer with no legs and no eyes -------> Still no idea

              Have you read the new novel, it's called Pants Around the Ankles...by Lucy Lastic.

              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

              A nun has the unusual trait of walking around in the nude whenever she is alone in her apartment at the convent.

              One day there is a knock at the door and the nun, who is completely naked, shouts out..."Who is it?"

              A voice comes back, "It's the blind man from the village".

              The nun thinks, 'well no need to panic then, he can't see anything anyway'. So she goes and opens the door.

              The man waltzes into the room and as he passes the nun says..."Oooh, nice breasts. Now, where would you like your blinds?"
              Jim Hillier - Managing editor Daves Computer Tips.com

              #77 James (Jim) Hillier

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                Posted 12 September 2011 - 01:10 AM

                What follows are tales/recollections provided by an airport ticket agent in Canberra, Australia's capitol and home to our wonderful politicians:

                *A senior Senator called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?"

                *A politician from Queensland called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?'' I asked if he meant fly to Pensacola Florida on a commuter plane. He said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

                *The Prime Minister called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.'' I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?'' "Yes, what flights do you have?'' came the reply. After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere." ''The PM said, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!'' So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo, do you?'' The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

                *The PM's aide called and had a question about the documents she and her boss needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.'' I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

                *I just got off the phone with a Labor politician who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?'' I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have that number on them.''

                And these people are running our country!! Help!!!!! LOL
                Jim Hillier - Managing editor Daves Computer Tips.com

                #78 James (Jim) Hillier

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                  Posted 14 September 2011 - 01:01 AM

                  The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist

                  Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel. Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors". The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

                  So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids " This was also not acceptable.
                  So they again changed the sign. "Catatonics and High Colonics"......No go.
                  Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives", thumbs down again.
                  "Minds and Behinds"....still no good.
                  "Analysis and Anal Cysts", not a chance.
                  "Nuts and Butts"? No way.
                  "Freaks and Cheeks", still no good.
                  "Loons and Moons", forget it.

                  Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with?"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones--Odds and Ends"

                  Everyone loved it, and Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones shared their practice happily ever after.
                  Jim Hillier - Managing editor Daves Computer Tips.com

                  #79 James (Jim) Hillier

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                    Posted 17 September 2011 - 06:53 AM

                    A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

                    "What are you doing?" She asked.

                    "Hunting Flies", He responded.

                    "Oh! Killing any?" She asked.

                    "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females so far," he replied.

                    Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

                    He responded, "It's easy...3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone!"
                    Attached Image: flies.jpg
                    Jim Hillier - Managing editor Daves Computer Tips.com

                    #80 James (Jim) Hillier

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                      Posted 20 September 2011 - 10:47 AM

                      Yesterday my daughter asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.

                      She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys. So I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

                      She said "Are you nuts? You're almost 70 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

                      She said to me, "You idiot, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

                      I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do...I signed up for five jumps a week!!!
                      Jim Hillier - Managing editor Daves Computer Tips.com




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